Mothers and Daughters

When I was a young girl and contemplated being a Mother (which, when I was young, was what all girls contemplated, or at least they were supposed to contemplate) the one thing I knew for sure was that, no matter if you were a “good Mom” or a “bad Mom”, your children always loved you. After all there was the umbilical connection that could never be taken away, a kind of fail safe if you will. So as I was maturing and taking note of my Mom’s behavior I made those mental notes of “I will NEVER” do that to my daughters. That I would “always” be just the way my daughters wanted and needed a Mom to be.

Ah but that was not to be…..Does this ring true to you? When your daughters are young, tiny babies, you just get to love them unconditionally and they love you in return.  You get to feed them, bathe them, you get to dress up a real live baby after all.  You get the joys of all their firsts, and you are pretty confident that it is your guidence and nurturing that has helped them get to this stage.  Periodically you check in with yourself to take an inventory of your parenting skills and try to make adjustments as you go.  Sometimes you compare your skills to that of your Mom. From your persepective you are doing a GREAT job, but did you check in with your children?  No, because life was moving too fast. All of a sudden you wake up and find your little girls are already at the pre-teen or teenage stage. Oops, all bets are off.

Did you find yourself clinging to what you were sure was just the right amount of discipline with the right amount of trust  and understanding?  I was sure I had the right mix. Meanwhile you find yourself in a adult relationship with your own Mom and you find that it has taken a whole new dimension.  You find that your life is crazy busy, and then wondering, oh yeah, how is my Mom doing? Oh well I will check in with her later…..

There is no real outline for what you do as a Mom when real life challenges present themselves. What do you do when you Divorce? What do you do when you have 2 of your children diagnosed with life threatening illness? What do you do when you are losing both of your parents at the same time? You do what we all do.  A whole lot of praying, and even more of just putting one foot in front of the other, and somewhere in the back of your mind you hope beyond hope that you’re doing this in a way that will still provide some safety and stability and sense of strong loving security to your family.

Miraculously the children survive; there are bumps along the way but they make it through. We  say goodbye to our Mothers remembering the good with the bad but mostly the good. All the while making that same commitment, that all Mothers make, that my Mother made, that we will be better than the one before.

Then you wake up one day and realize that your relationship with your daughter is not what you had imagined. I don’t think I ever really thought of what an adult relationship with any of my daughters would be like, but if I had I’m sure it would be different from the one I have.

While I was thinking about this relationship  with my daughter, it caused me to contemplate and consider how I was with my Mother at this age…..I decided that maybe payback is a bitch…..So what do we do about this condition? We pay homage.

Once your Mom dies, there are no do-overs. So I owe this baring of my soul to the memory of my Mother, to try and make amends in some kind of spiritual/cosmic way.

I remember my Dad had died of cancer in October 1989. My Mom was living with my sister, she had been going through chemotherapy treatment, and seemed to be doing well. Then one day after Christmas my Mom said she was not feeling well and wanted to be taken to the hospital.  I remember sitting with my Mom on the edge of her bed trying to rush her to get her to the hospital. My Mom just looked at me and said, give me a moment. I was not to know, because I was so damn busy not paying attention to the look in her eyes as she soaked in all the memories that were on the walls of her room.  The room she had shared with my Father, her husband. It was the look that said, “I will not be back, this is my goodbye.”  So if that insenitivity was not enough, after she was in the hospital I called to see how she was. She asked me to come and see her; she said she would love to see me. I said, the kids were not feeling well and I did not want to risk exposing her to anything that would cause any risk.  She tried telling me that it did not make any difference, that she was dying and she wanted her daughter to be with her. Of course she did not use those exact words, because that would have been too scary for her to say, but that is exactly what she was saying, and I did not get it!!! She did die shortly after that. Fortunately, I did get to see her before she died. But I have to say in retrospect, I never had the time with her that I would have loved to have had, and I’m sorry beyond words.  Not just for myself but for my Mother.  She tried in her own way to be the best Mom she knew how.  I think she did an excellent job of it, particularly knowing that her own Mother left her when she was only 9 years old and was raised by her Father and Uncle.

So I raise my glass to the memory of my Mother, and I raise my glass to all 3 of my daughters who accept me for all my shortcomings and who are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing and that is being a better Mom than I am, but I’m still trying